Perhaps I'll start doing these again?

When in France...

When in Rome, ride a horse. Actually, I'm almost positive that is not the correct adage. At least it sounds convincing. When in France, however, never step foot inside the bathroom, or as they like to call it, la salle de bain or les toilettes. 

The first thing that comes to mind with the idea of French hygiene is the infamous "French shower". For those of you who have been leading rock-like sedentary lives, Urban Dictionary defines a French shower as (I'll spare you the much raunchier, yet more popular definition)

"To cleanse ones self by applying only deodorant and cologne (or perfume). The French reference is in place because of the widely-held notion that the French are not fond of bathing on a regular basis."

Bathroom at Mellow Park

Just look at it. Bathrooms don't just close for no reason. The most evil things take place in this bathroom. Evil in the form of some apparent massive sophomoric science project to grow bacteria in human waste agar. Seriously. This bathroom sucks. I don't even need to explain further. I give this bathroom no shakes on the basis that I wouldn't waste my pee here.

Girls Are Gross - This Is Their Bathroom

A common thought ingrained into the minds of many in this country is that men's batrhooms are thought to be heinous and dripping with mystery sludge, while women's bathrooms are bright happy places with apple orchards and cinnamon sugar lining the porcelain of the toilet bowls and sometimes even a bench. Us guys will never get benches in our bathrooms. Imagine the possibilities. However, once you grow up and realize women are people too, you can talk to them without getting nervous and you'll realize they can be rather open about their bathroom rendezvous. From what I gather, the apple orchard is actually a nefarious tampon collective from the Earth's searing core and the cinnamon-sugar lining is actually a product of menstruation, or as I call it "lady dribble". You can't spell "Men's Frustration" without Menstruation. On second thought, you most certainly can and should.

Texas Roadhouse

There is only so much country lemonade a guy can handle before it starts coming out of a different end, same color. This is why restaurants tend to courteously provide a bathroom for the well-being of those who are patrons of their fine and respected establishments. Notwithstanding their decent food, I'm not sure Texas Roadhouse is either of two mentioned once their bathroom comes into play.

I understand that the restaurant is supposed to have a southern, specifically Texas feeling to it, as evidenced by the dirty peanut-shell laden cement floor. You're not helping us Pennsylvanian's with our views on Texas...I mean we're not supposed to believe that everyone has dirty peanut floors in Texas, right? Do they? I've never been there. Everything is bigger in Texas right? Does that mean that their messes on the floor are too?

Panera Bread

I like Panera Bread, even if their name in Spanish is Bread was bread. I'm not sure if this was intentional, as if to say "Our bread is simply bread. It's great. No fillers." But hey, who knows.

Now, the only thing I've ever purchased at Panera Bread was a cinnamon roll and a green apple Jones Soda, so please do not allow me to review the food. It would be like listening to a Nickelback album to review a Vilvaldi record. I do enjoy the atmosphere of the place though. It's like Starbucks for bread-stuffs. Take that analogy with a gram of yeast. Get it? It's a bread store...