Girls Are Gross - This Is Their Bathroom

A common thought ingrained into the minds of many in this country is that men's batrhooms are thought to be heinous and dripping with mystery sludge, while women's bathrooms are bright happy places with apple orchards and cinnamon sugar lining the porcelain of the toilet bowls and sometimes even a bench. Us guys will never get benches in our bathrooms. Imagine the possibilities. However, once you grow up and realize women are people too, you can talk to them without getting nervous and you'll realize they can be rather open about their bathroom rendezvous. From what I gather, the apple orchard is actually a nefarious tampon collective from the Earth's searing core and the cinnamon-sugar lining is actually a product of menstruation, or as I call it "lady dribble". You can't spell "Men's Frustration" without Menstruation. On second thought, you most certainly can and should.

What torments me most is how terribly askew I have been all my life. Telling girls how they have it so easy in life, besides child-birth, and how horribly disconcerting a collective bathroom for men could become. I, metaphorically speaking, had feces smashed between teeth once I began to meet women. Yes, evidently the women's bathroom is magnificently more morality eroding than once pondered. For the first few seconds of hearing this, I was my usual skeptical self. Reality soon hit me harder than Chris Brown to Rihanna or an Earthquake to Japan. Ooh. Too Tsunami? Nah. 

At this High School, not only are the stalls inundated with unmistakable yet unspeakable lady doings but the walls are unnaturally discolored. I understand that sometimes a man will urinate on the floor. Sometimes the man is drunk. Sometimes the man is too lazy to stand close. Sometimes the man will play a game and see how far away he can pee and still reach his destination. What is a women's excuse for this? Do they stand up just to see their clams cry? Or are they adventurous and like to play similar games like the man?

The most farcical aspect to this bathroom setting is what greets you once the sanitation phase begins (which must be difficult in bathrooms like this). Water races from the faucet and hugs the contours of a un-boxed and un-NEW (Read: Used) pregnancy test. A few things come to mind when I see this:

• Why did someone bring a pregnancy test to school? Isn't this better kept doing in the privacy of your own home?
• The recipient of this test must have had a good day afterwards. The test was negative for pregnancy. I'm sure she went back to class and boasted to her teacher about her infertility.
• Why dispose of this in the sink? Did they want other women to see her pride in not carrying a child in her babybox?

I'm still rather bent out of shape that there are no benches in the guys bathrooms.

I give this high school bathroom a 1/5 shakes and a coupon for a free ice cream. Enjoy not being a mother. You don't deserve it. I also give a congratulations to the un-pregnant school girl.